This Is Your GPS
by for-the-love-of-adonis
Summary: Axel has some major navigating problems. As in, he gets lost. A lot. Demyx and Zexion decide to take matters into their own hands. When Axel gets a new GPS system named Roxas installed in his car, things get a little more... interactive...than anyone expects.
1. Jenny

**Warning:** Um, strong language, I guess?

 **Disclaimer** : Characters on this page may be dumber than they appear. Also they are not mine.

 **A/N:** This has been sitting on my computer in almost exactly this state for many, many moons. I figure if I post it now, maybe it'll motivate me into working on the next few chapters. Haha...we'll see. Let me know what you think? Also yeeeees, Pedestrian chapter 16 is coming. The ending just keeps evolving and mutating in my brain. So it's had a very long hiatus. And I've had a very long hiatus. Sorry about that!

* * *

Demyx ran another hand exasperatedly through his hair, the hair gel in his hair rendered all but totally useless at this point. "Axel, I swear. This is the five hundred _thousandth_ time you've gotten us lost."

"We're not lost," he said simply.

"Seriously how hard is it to—"

Axel laughed, defusing Demyx's frustration momentarily. He placed one of his hands on Demyx's shoulder, giving it a few placating pats. "It's just a detour. Come on, Dem, learn to love the little things in life. Like look at that view!" He reached a little further and tilted Demyx's chin towards the passenger window, waiting until he was out of Demyx's line of sight before returning to furiously squinting at the road with various looks of _what the fuck, where are we,_ and _where am I going_ to regain his bearings.

"Cows, Axel? We should not be seeing fucking cows outside. I swear you somehow drove us all the way to Texas. In an _hour_ timespan! Seriously, your unrelenting power to teleport us into the middle of _nowhere_ is astounding." Demyx's fingers had by now taken up permanent residence on his own temples. He sighs, looking back at Axel only to see him straighten up and reign in his crazed looks of confusion to resume the _I totally know what I'm doing_ façade. "I guess I should call Marluxia and tell him we can't make it. _Again_."

"I don't know, maybe it's serendipity or some shit."

"And I'm gonna _seren_ -stick my foot up your ass, Axel. I swear to god."

"No, seriously." Seeing how there weren't any cars around them for miles, Axel spared another sidelong glance at Demyx. He smirked and the twinkle of a newly formed tactic shown in his eyes. "I don't know, maybe you'll see some cowboy out there, wrangling up some cows in nothing but some skin tight jeans and a cowboy hat. He'll sweep you off your feet with his ridiculously toned arms and you guys'll screw until the cows come home. And who would you have to thank? Poor little old, verbally abused Axel, for his scenic detour that you are currently busting his balls over."

"Okay, fine. But If I'm still stuck here riding in this godforsaken car with you and _not_ riding a cowboy in the next hour, I am seriously going to get out of this car and walk. Don't bother trying to stop me."

* * *

"Axel—"

"Don't say it."

"Okay, we have officially passed that same Wendy's three times. Three fucking times, Axel."

"Don't."

"But we're—"

"No."

"I swear I am not getting into a car with you again until you get a map or a GPS or something. Who the hell gets lost going to the flippin' grocery store?"

Axel rolled his eyes. _Not him, that's for sure._ He'd only passed the first three grocery stores because he'd liked the songs that were playing on the radio too much. Demyx didn't need to know that. And _surely_ another store was bound to come up sometime.

"I just wanted to go to a grocery store with…organic produce. For your health, Dem. Your health." He gave Demyx a sober look, jutting out his lower lip and blinking with innocence.

"That'd be great if it weren't for the fact that your grocery list says 'Cocoa Puffs and spray cheese' and my stomach says Oreos."

Axel rolled his eyes, dismissing Demyx's protest and returning his attention to the span of roadway in front of him.

Axel's voice came several minutes later, unimaginably quiet and filled with defeat.

"Could you call Zex again?"

"Hm? I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you," Demyx volleyed back, voice rising with combative mock-innocence.

"I said—" he sighed, rubbing his own temple with a mixture of frustration and disbelief. "We're lost. Could you please call Zexion again?"

 _He'd gotten lost going to the_ grocery store _. Demyx was right. Something was wrong with him. And something was_ terribly _wrong with the world if Demyx was right._

"Pardon, one more time?

"Okay, okay. Fine. Fine! I'm pulling over. _I'll_ call him and you take the wheel, you passive aggressive little princess."

He visibly brightened, unfazed by Axel's pouty face and grumpy tone. He, however, kept his own tone as nonchalant as possible. "Oh, alright. Anything for you, Axel."

"I'm still not letting you touch the radio."

* * *

"Look, I looked into it. And by that, I mean I had Zexion look into it."

Axel gave him a flat look.

"But they had great reviews! And they said they'd install it super cheap if you, er—I, agreed to let one of their interns do it. It's a win, win situation!"

"That doesn't change the fact that I gave you the keys because you said you needed to go put up 'lost cat' posters." A sober, more incredulous look took over his face. "Is Bailey _even lost_?"

"In retrospect, you really shouldn't have lent Demyx the keys at all. His license is still suspended."

"Shut up, Zexion," came the simultaneous reply.

He sighed, letting his blue hair fall back into his eyes, effectively obscuring him and removing him from the argument once again.

"Well—she _was_ lost….until Zex called me and told me she'd just crawled underneath the porch again. And by then I was already in your car and the idea just dawned on me and—"

"So you had a GPS system installed in my car without permission."

"Essentially, yes."

"…yeah."

"You're unbelievable. Both of you are."

Demyx slowly lowered to the ground, placing Axel's keys on the driveway pavement. "So….I'm just gonna leave your keys here and—" He grabbed Zexion's hand, taking off into a sprint down the street.

"Real mature!" Axel called behind them. He sighed, scratching his head. Of all the crazy, stupid, impulsive shit Demyx had done to him—or at the expense of him— over the years, this had to take the cake. He strode up cautiously to his car, placing an open palm on her frame and consoling her gently. "I'm sorry he did this to you, Jenny" he whispered. "I'll never let Demyx drive you again. That bad, bad man can't hurt you anymore."

"Jenny? Who is Jenny? I'm Roxas."

That was when Axel damn near had a heart attack. And promptly fell on his ass. And landed right on his keys. He was going to fucking kill Demyx...right after he pulled the keys out that were currently shanking him in the ass.


	2. Hot n Cold

**Warning:** Sexual themes and innuendo. Language. All of your favorite things, really.

 **A/N:** I love my readers. That is all.

* * *

"AHH! _Fuck me_!"

Marluxia smirked. He leaned over Axel's shoulder and lowered his voice to a sultry whisper. "Well—when you beg like that, how could I say no?"

"Shut the fuck up. And finish. Seriously."

"Wow. Getting penetrated in the ass with some keys really changes a guy."

" _Punctured_."

"Right," Marluxia grinned, offering a final yank. Axel groaned audibly, another litter of expletives falling from his mouth. "Better?"

Marluxia held up the slightly bloody keys, dangling them in front of Axel's face.

Axel snatched them gruffly, an undisguised scowl on his face.

"Darling, don't be so _touchy_." Marluxia pulled idly at his pink tresses, a thoughtful look on his face. "Actually, you could stand being a little more touchy." He walked his fingers playfully along Axel's shoulder. "Your dry spells put you in _such_ a bad mood."

"Stay in your lane, Mar," Axel gritted out. He took the bottom of his shirt in his hand and used it to polish the blood off his car keys.

Marluxia held his hands up defensively before one of them found residence in his own pink hair again. "Sweetie. You're the one who called me."

"Yeah because if I called Demyx or Zexion, I'd probably have blood on my hands _and_ my ass."

"Kinky."

"Marluxia I swear to fuck, if you don't cut that—"

He laughed. "So you going to keep me waiting? I'm _dying_ to hear the keys in the ass cheek story."

"Maybe another time," Axel all but snarled.

"Mm. Well. You owe me one." He flicked his hair behind him. "Anyway, gotta run. Places to go. People to see."

Axel sighed, shifting his weight with a pained grimace. "Yeah, okay."

Marluxia gave him a short, pitying smile. He waggled his fingers in farewell before turning to sashay back to his car.

"—hey Mar?"

Marluxia turned, crossing his arms and raising his well-manicured eyebrows expectantly.

Axel coughed. The words sounded stuck in his throat, a barely audible and begrudging murmur. "Um—thank you."

Marluxia waved his hand dismissively as he got into his car. He rolled his window down, draping himself over the edge of it. "Anytime, darling. Oh—and one more thing—enjoy your new navigation system."

"Yeah, yeah I will," Axel muttered distractedly, touching the back of his jeans with experimental pokes, wincing once. He looked up a moment later. "Hey wait a—you _knew_ about that?"

"I really couldn't have you missing my parties anymore, Axel. So I pitched in a little. You'll thank me later."

"Well there's no way in hell I'm going to one of your parties now," he articulated carefully, crossing his arms.

"But your dry spell, Axel, I'm telling you—"

Axel clenched his fists, attempting to charge towards Marluxia's car. "—Ah! Dammit." He stopped, wincing, before beginning another attempt to limp menacingly towards Marluxia. Yeah, limp menacingly. You can guess how well that went.

"Oh, don't strain yourself, Axel," he smirked. "Ta ta for now!"

-/-/-

Axel grumbled unintelligibly to himself, dropping his ice pack into the driver seat with a resounding smack. He slid carefully into the seat, lowering himself onto the ice pack with some cautious shimmying. After taking what felt like an eternity to get comfortable, he finally started the car, ice pack wedged under him and already effectively beginning to give him freezer burn on his ass. Or was that frostbite? Whatever.

He started the car and was immediately greeted by the voice that had caused this whole embarrassing injury in the first place.

"Hello! This is your GPS—your Road Operation Expressive Assistant System, or R.O.X.A.S."

Jeez. Was that going to turn on every time he started the car? That was going to get annoying fast. And let's just say he was already not in the best of moods.

"Please say your name aloud."

"Ugh—shut up."

"Sorry—I did not get that. Please repeat your name."

Axel cleared his throat, the volume of his voice increasing with his irritation. "I SAID—" he stopped quickly, realizing that his cup of coffee was still sitting on top of his car. "Ah, dammit." He popped his car door open to stand up, his eye twitching slightly with the pins-and-needles sensation of numbness in his hindquarters. Was it still considered hindquarters if it was only half your ass? Maybe hind-eighths. Okay, he was getting distracted again.

He grabbed the paper cup swiftly. It was still hot, so he allowed himself to take a moment's reprieve, wafting the cup under his nose, letting the warm, aromatic vapor tickle his face. He took a sip, letting the bitter liquid burn the back of his throat in a way that was oddly satisfying. Then he cocked his head, realizing something. He checked around him, looking to his left and right. Well, nobody in the immediate vicinity. He lowered the cup and pressed the side of it gingerly the back of his jeans. He closed his eyes, a contented sigh leaving his lips. He was immediately pulled from his solace by the sound of a nearby door swinging open.

He looked up, startled, quickly retracting the cup back to sternum height.

He spotted a very distinct set of odd pseudo-pigtails. Very distinct. Very _not_ what Axel wanted to see. Very fitting for what kind of day this day was turning out to be. _Larxene_.

Axel watched as Larxene emerged from his neighbor's place, two houses over. He panicked slightly, seeing her large strides cover a lot of ground very quickly as she headed towards the street.

He averted his eyes, opening his car door and all but leaping into it to avoid being seen.

Axel learned that leaping into car seats is a bad idea. Especially when you have an ice pack in said seat. A water-filled ice pack. Made of flimsy-as-shit material. There was a popping noise, followed by an icy cold wetness permeating his whole lower region. He hissed. "Fucking hell." He lifted himself up, distracted by pain, an icy burning sensation in his ass, and a literal puddle of liquid pooled underneath him.

"Sorry—I didn't get that. Please say your name aloud."

Axel started at the voice, bumping his head against the ceiling with a hardy thwack. The unexpected voice—and subsequent head trauma—caused the coffee cup to slip from his grasp. It hit the floor and burst open, covering the floor and part of his pants leg in a lovely dark brown. "COCKSUCKER!"

"Your name has been saved. Thank you for selecting our navigation system, cocksucker."

 _You have got to be kidding me._


End file.
